Chinook
by George Hosier II  - September 9, 2008

Cop Bloopers


I love stupid criminal stories. They are one of the few things that can still make me burst out in a spontaneous belly laugh. You see, experts who get paid six figure salaries to study such things tell us that the key element of successful humor is the surprise factor. Something is said or done that catches us off guard, and the incongruity of it stimulates our funny bone to releases laugh hormones, causing us to involuntarily squirt milk out of our nose…or something like that. So to be truly amused, a person has to be surprised. However, as I get older I am discovering that not very much surprises me anymore.

When I was a kid, two of my favorite magazines were Boy’s Life and Reader’s Digest. I would always flip to the joke pages first thing and spend the next few minutes guffawing at the hilarious humor found therein until my mother told me to clean up my milk snot and put the magazine down until I was done with my PB&J. For the last several years, though, I have felt ripped off when I read those publications. As it turns out, the jokes in Boy’s Life are the same jokes I was reading in that magazine when I was a kid. Of course, I suppose they can be forgiven, since they have a 100% reading audience turnover every 15 years or so, with the exception of a couple of old geezers like me that forgot to grow up.

I don’t find it as easy to forgive Reader’s Digest for republishing the same jokes I read twenty years ago, even if they are slightly reworked. I guess the bottom line is that the older a person gets, their broadening range of experience makes it more and more difficult to be surprised by anything, thus sabotaging their capacity to be genuinely amused. Ah, well, I guess that’s one of the unfortunate side effects of maturity.

Perhaps that’s why I enjoy reading about stupid criminals so much. They never cease to amaze me. Who in their wildest dreams would expect a pothead to call 911 to report his marijuana being stolen, or think that a burglar would try to climb down the chimney of a functioning pizza oven, or anticipate that a bank employee would return after his shift and attempt to rob the bank while still wearing his name tag. It’s crazy, dude!

Then, one day, I got to thinking. Why don’t I ever read any stupid cop stories? I sat down and pondered that for a good long while, until finally a couple of answers dawned on me.

Answer number one is that it there are no prerequisite IQ standards for becoming a criminal. In fact, the lower their IQ, the more likely it is that a person will engage in criminal activity. Furthermore, the longer one participates in certain types of criminal activity such as drug or alcohol abuse, the lower the criminal’s IQ drops. On the other hand, a law enforcement professional must document a certain amount of education and personal responsibility on his resume, must pass rather rigorous screening protocols prior to being hired, and after being hired must pursue ongoing training and education. This automatically bumps the average cop about 37 notches up the food chain above the average criminal.

However, I invite my readers to please take note of the two instances of the word “average” in the previous sentence. Admittedly there have been brilliant criminals. Not so admittedly, there have also been stupid cops.

This brings me to my second answer: We don’t read about stupid cops because it is not politically correct. We have been trained to respect and honor those in authority--government and cops and suchlike. That’s a good thing. We can’t have anarchy and riots in the streets and military coups every other week like some two-bit banana republic. However, whenever somebody is acting stupid and nobody wants to admit it or speak about it, that’s not civic loyalty. That’s a dysfunctional society. The Bill of Rights and the Declaration of Independence is all about freedom of press and speech and the ability to have access to a redress of legitimate grievances.

So with apologies to my uncle who has been a senior staff member in a South Carolina Sheriff’s department for many years, and to all the wonderful Deltoids who are State Troopers and MP’s and security staff, I am going to relate a few stupid cop stories. On second thought, in token respect to political correctness, let’s call them “cop bloopers”.

Brit Arrested for Falling off the Couch with Laughter:

According to a June 11, 2008 story in the Daily Mail, a Christopher Cocker, 36, was handcuffed, arrested and dragged before a court after watching the BBC show, Have I Got News For You. When a joke made by panelist Paul Merton struck Cocker funny, he apparently collapsed on the floor, doubled up with laughter - but the thud startled his downstairs neighbor who, believing he had collapsed from a medical emergency, called police.

Officers arrived and said Cocker was initially co-operative but became “aggressive” when they asked his name and tried to shut his front door. He was eventually disabled with parva spray through the gap. The officer admits striking Cocker, and spraying him again. He was handcuffed and unceremoniously thrown into the back of a police van. When he ended up in a police cell he was asking himself how all this had happened.

Speaking after the hearing, Cocker said he had been in his flat minding his own business. He said: “I can't believe it - I was thrown in the back of a police van before being stripped naked and put in a cell. I was handcuffed behind my back and my ankles bound with plastic ties before six of them carried me to the van. It was something Paul Merton said and I remember falling of the settee, I didn't think it would end up in court. I hadn't had a drink or anything; I was just watching TV and all this happened. Paul Merton is one of my favorites. He's really funny.”

7 Arrested for Cheering at High School Graduation:

According to a June 10, 2008 Associated Press story, in Rock Hill S.C. (I hope my uncle wasn’t involved with this one), police arrested seven people for disorderly conduct after they were accused of loud cheering during the ceremonies. Rock Hill police began patrolling commencements several years ago at the request of school districts who complained of increasing disruption. The cases are punishable by a maximum of 30 days in jail and a $1,000 fine. Fort Mill Principal Dee Christopher plans to keep a police presence at future graduation ceremonies.

Down’s Syndrome Student Arrested for Racism.

Last September, Jamie Bauld, a Scottish Down’s Syndrome man, had an altercation with an Asian girl of a similar age, also a pupil at the special needs department of the college where Jamie is a student. Jamie cannot even tie his own shoelaces, needs help on the lavatory, mustn't be left alone in the house and still relies on his mother to tuck him up in bed at night.

Girl irritated boy, boy pushed girl and told her to go away. Girl responded by telling her teacher. The two were sent their separate ways and their parents informed about the falling out. Given their mental ages, it was no more significant than a playground spat between two five-year-olds.

That should have been the end of it. Instead, an anonymous notice was placed in the local newspaper asking for witnesses to a "racial assault" at the college on the day in question. Just over a week later, Jamie was charged with racism and assault. When the police arrived, he welcomed them with a big smile and a handshake. As they read him his rights, he thanked them for coming to see him, and agreed with everything they said.

Fiona, Jamie’s mother asked the officers: "Do you realize he doesn't understand what you are saying?” The police officers shifted uncomfortably and admitted they had no training in dealing with anyone with special needs. The officers, says Fiona, were pleasant enough and advised the family "the case probably wouldn't come to anything". They said they would explain to the Procurator Fiscal that Jamie had Down's syndrome.

But the official process had by then swung into action. Shortly after the visit, a letter arrived from the Procurator Fiscal saying the authorities had enough evidence to charge Jamie. It was seven-and-a-half months after the initial incident before the family received a brief letter from the Procurator Fiscal saying he would not be proceeding with the prosecution. There was no apology.

Hartford, Connecticut Police Break into Wrong Home, Rip out Man’s Catheter:

According to an Associated Press article of May 9, 2008, police illegally entered the home of Andrew Glover, 60, of New Britain and inflicted severe injuries as he was recovering from intestinal surgery, by ripping a catheter from his body during a child pornography investigation. Glover wasn't involved in child pornography, has not been charged and has no criminal record. The police didn’t even have search warrants.

In February Glover returned home from the hospital after his surgery to find officers searching his apartment. They ripped the catheter out and left him alone in the apartment without calling for medical help. According to Glover’s attorney, “They assaulted the guy. He's got major problems as a result of this. He's a mess now.” Glover’s neighbors were later arrested on child pornography charges.

You know, maybe I’ll stick with the stupid criminal stories. These cop stories aren’t so funny after all.
 

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