Chinook
by George Hosier II  - December 20, 2007

Santa Pause


By now I’m sure everyone has heard the news. Santa’s famous “ho, ho, ho” has been banned Down Under. Evidently the Aussies have mistaken St. Nick for a rap artist performing lyrics demeaning to female triplets. Do a Google search using the key words, “Santa”, “Australia”, and “ho ho ho” if you think I’m making this up. Sometimes political correctness makes me crazy.

Not that I’m a big fan of the jolly old elf, understand. Under normal circumstances I would have trouble developing rapport with guy who never shaves, lets himself become 100 lbs. overweight and runs around in public wearing red pajamas! However, when that same character spends his spare time offering strange kids candy to sit on his lap, I get downright antisocial. Furthermore, I resent the imposter for usurping the place of honor that belongs to the real central figure of Christmas—God incarnate in the form of an infant.

Nevertheless, in spite of my prejudice against the Clausmeister, I like to think that I have not lost my capacity for logical, objective thinking. It just isn’t fair to accuse Santa of demeaning women when all he is doing is involuntarily expelling air by the rhythmic contractions of his diaphragm due to the influence of endorphin neuromodulators which have bound to the opiate receptors affecting the dopamine pathway to his thalamus and cerebral cortex, thus shutting off the pain-sensing nerves in the frontal lobe and allowing the area to be flooded with dopamine, resulting in a temporarily heightened state of euphoria. The guy’s laughing, folks! Can’t a person even utter an innocuous belly laugh without offending someone? Get over it!

“No worries, mate!” the Australian thought police retort, “If Father Christmas is a fair dinkum bloke, let ‘im say ‘ha, ha, ha’. Then the ankle biters will reckon ‘e’s still bonzer, the sheilas won’t think ‘e’s a galah, and Bob’s your uncle!”

Yeah, right! Bob might be your uncle, but he’s no relative of mine. “Ha, ha, ha”, huh? What a classic example of bureaucratic insanity. Did they ever stop and think about what would happen if Santa actually did start calling out “ha, ha, ha”? He’d never make it out of the North Pole, that’s what!

Mrs. Claus would find him weeks later riding his sleigh in an endless loop, deep at bottom of a yawning, doughnut-shaped crevasse dug by the hoofs of his exhausted reindeer as they careen madly in a counter-clockwise circle. Anybody who has ever driven a team knows you can’t just yell a series of “ha’s”. If you don’t throw a “gee” in there from time to time, you might as well just head to the nearest playground and hitch a ride on the merry-go-round. Come to think of it, maybe that’s why they recently installed those new roundabouts in the street not far from Santa Clause House in North Pole, Alaska.

I briefly considered some other alternative laughs, but none of them feel quite right. How about “hee, hee, hee”? I don’t think so. Santa’s supposed to be a jolly old elf, not a demented one. Maybe “Bwaaaa, Haha, ha, ha”? Nah. The only way that would fit is if Santa wore a top hat, a handlebar moustache, a monocle, a black cape, spats, and carried a cane.

There’s always “Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk”! Uhhh....Nope. Not unless there were three Santas: a bald one, one with a salad bowl haircut, and one with Bozo the Clown hair. But then we’d run into all sorts of complications. Larry Santa would be constantly hitting Curly Santa with a 20 lb. fruitcake. Moe Santa would be poking the other two in the eye with a festive candle, and all three would be constantly getting stuck in chimneys—upside down. Without a doubt they would end up harnessing the reindeer into the traces backwards or using Rudolph’s nose to light celebratory firecrackers which would spook the team. They would probably borrow the stockings that were hung by the chimney with care. Then they’d would wear them for ballet slippers while trying to perform the Nutcracker Suite by the flickering light of the Yule log until all through the house every creature was stirring--including the mouse. I can even picture them clumsily spilling all of the toys into the middle of a firefight while flying over Anbar Province, Iraq. No! Definitely not! “Nyukking” is not a workable option!

“Eh-heh Eh-heh heh heh.” That’s the way my barber used to laugh. I don’t think that would sound very convincing coming from within the recesses of Santa’s flowing white facial pelt. It would make him sound too apologetic and self-deprecating. With a nervous laugh like that, he would probably sound suspicious enough to get himself tasered by mall security.

I once knew a gal who never really laughed in a conventional manner. When something struck her funny, her jaw would suddenly gape wide, her head would start bobbing, and she would emit a staccato hissing sound very much like a goose with hiccups. I don’t suppose that would work very well for Mr. Kringle, either. Kids like routine. If you accidently transpose two words in their favorite bedtime story they call you on it. They’d certainly never go for a Santa Claus that sounds like Mother Goose.

Perhaps the most workable solution would be to substitute “ho, ho, ho” with “Fa-la-la-la-la la la la la”. It may not sound much like a laugh, but at least it is an integral part of our Christmas tradition and may have the ability to trigger instinctive warm-fuzzies of holiday nostalgia.

Personally, I think this is just another ruse in the conspiracy to render Christmas obsolete. It started with the infamous “X-mas” ploy and moved on to the banning of nativity displays in public places. “Ho, ho, ho-ing” is now about to be regulated just like our freedom to spontaneously express good will toward our fellow man during this season.

At this point in the moral decline of our civilization, a reveler is almost considered a terror suspect if he dares wish someone a “Merry Christmas”. Imagine! Such a display of intolerance and insensitivity! Humph! Merry Christmas, indeed!

I used to think that the potentially insensitive part of that greeting was the “Christmas” part, but after much deep reflection on the matter, I realize that can’t be it. I mean, if a Jew wishes me Happy Hanukkah, I don’t feel offended. I know he’s just being friendly and feeling particularly philanthropic under the influence of his traditional celebration. As far as I’m concerned, our country can use all of the philanthropy it can get. As a matter of fact, if we can get a sufficiently broad spectrum of cultures incorporated into our melting pot here, we might wind up with enough diversity of holiday dates to have someone well-wishing me purt’near every day of the year. Wouldn’t that be nice? “Happy Hanukkah back at ya, fella!”

There are the atheists, of course, but why should they be offended? If they honestly don’t believe that God exists, why should my celebration of a non-entity bother them so much? If somebody walked up to me and wished me a Solicitous Tooth Fairy Homage Day, I might shoot him a quizzical look, but I’m certainly not going to contact the ACLU and ask them to harass the poor self-deluded simpleton.

I’ve decided that the truly intolerant word is “Merry”. What if the person is grouchy and doesn’t wish to be Merry? Huh, huh, huh? Didja ever think of that? Huh, didja? Perhaps the person you are so callously wishing a Merry Christmas is a member of the Goth subculture, for instance, and finds merry-making to be philosophically repugnant.

The more I ponder this, the more I’m convinced I’m onto something. Just think about it. Have you ever met a lawyer or politician who had a sense of humor? Oh, sure, they paste on a plastic smile when they’re kissing babies or giving their closing arguments to the jury, but when was the last time you saw a legal professional just rear back and belt out a rip-snorter of a “ho, ho, ho” with such vigor that his belly shakes like a bowl full of jelly? See what I mean?

These bureaucrats simply don’t understand the phenomenon of genuine transparent joy. Therefore, like anything else they don’t understand, they view it with suspicion. To them, “Joy to the World” must be a sinister force that they find it their duty to crush before it and its associates, “Peace on Earth” and “Goodwill to Men”, become a global pandemic. Well, I wish them luck...lots and lots of merry, merry luck, because such efforts historically have a dismal success rate. The lawmakers around the globe might save themselves some disappointment if they studied the triumphs of people like Adolph Hitler, Joseph Stalin, Pol Pot, and Chairman Mao, all of whom lacked a sense of joy and felt obligated to deprive the masses of the same.

So, celebrators of the world, unite. I urge you to cast off your shackles and stand against your oppressors. Join your voices in one mighty cry that will be carried on the snow-laden wind. Mingle it with the sound of sleigh bells and Ramadan prayers and spinning dreidles and Kwanzaa drums: “Merry Christmas to all!” Then haul off and holler “HO, HO, HO!” at the top of your lungs. Preferably in an Australian accent.

 

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